New proposed NFL overtime rules

Many NFL fans are demanding the league change an overtime rule that controversially gives first possession of the ball to the team that wins a toss. Here are some proposed replacements for the draw that should be considered by the league.

human chess

Enough with brute force. It’s time to focus on the strongest and thickest muscle of all: the mind of an NFL head coach.

Battle of the Bands

Each team sets up a stage at one end of the pitch, with lights, a fog machine, inflatables, etc. Players are given instruments – quarterback on lead guitar, solid security on keyboards, all of it. Then they get up there and crash, man. It’s a type of record label that decides who wins.

Commissar Scramble

Players from both teams attempt to apprehend and subdue an oiled up Roger Goodell.

Face-to-face

Possession is automatically awarded to the captain of the team with the most concussions. The finalist is guaranteed a position as a retired analyst.

The Real Deadliest Game

Teams from both teams are taken to a remote island where they are forced to fight for survival. Whichever team is judged to have best retained its humanity and not been subject to the darkness that lurks within the Corruptible Man’s heart, it receives the ball on its own twenty-five yard line, with one yard deducted for each of the laws of God which she violated.

Baseball

Players take off their cleats and put on another type of cleat for nine innings of baseball, America’s sixth favorite sport!

Tribute to the memory of John Madden

Possession is awarded to whoever can make the funniest John Madden impression.

The democratic process

Each team runs a month-long campaign, garnering support from voters across the country. Then, on the first Tuesday in November, football fans perform their civic duty and choose a winner. Surely fans of the losing team will accept the fairness of this method.

Extreme Coin Toss

Same as the standard coin toss, but the coin is larger, heavier and sharper.

Slogan contest

Following the failure of the “#EndRacism” slogan to end racism in the league, players compete to find one who will. The winning slogan will be printed on the special edition one hundred and sixty dollar helmets, endboxes and jerseys available exclusively from the NFL Store – and league owners have all promised to look at it from time to time.

Prize draws

Possession is awarded to twelve-year-old Josh Wagner of Dayton, Ohio, winner of the Honey Nut Cheerios “Now that’s what I call a Super BOWL” contest. Congratulations, Josh!

The Bachelorette: Love on the Grill

Each member of each fifty-three male roster is thrown into the dating pool to compete for the affection of a beautiful woman. They go to small meetings in the field. The team the Bachelorette’s favorite pal plays for not only wins possession, but also a chance at true love.

Postponement of regulations

The ball automatically goes to the team that scored first in regulation. This will ensure an unbiased and quick overtime that will please everyone. So, to compensate, referees will now call pass interference whenever a cornerback flashes.

squid game

Players are forced by a group of shadowy, über-rich benefactors into a hyper-violent game for children. A bit derivative of classic football, but could be cool.